Pride & Allyship: A Heart-Opening Strategic Thought Starter For Critical Allyship for the LGBTQ2IA+ Community
In honor of National Coming Out Day, I wanted to craft a heartfelt box of strategies to help straight cisgender allies more meaningfully support queer and trans/nonbinary/gender non-conforming colleagues in their journeys of authentic leadership and healing — and ultimately nourish a society where this is no need for a global awareness holiday— where there is a deeper collective foundation for love, respect and belonging.
Coming out is not a singular event nor temporal period of time; it takes a lifetime. My hope is one day we don’t have to ‘come out’, that there is no heteronormativity nor even homonormativity because there is no expected norm for how we love and relate to others.
I share this piece as a strategic offering, as a DEI Consultant & Healer who collaborates with creative and tech organizations to build cultures of equity and emotional safety. We know that diverse teams outperform the market — and that psychological safety is the most common attribute of a high-performing team. If we care about high performance, we need to care about safety — particularly the safety of our most marginalized people.
I share this piece as a poetic offering, as one individualized queer perspective in the vast rainbow of LGBTQ2IA+ experiences, ranging in tones, textures, shapes, sizes. My experiences are rooted in my own journey as a queer Filipina American born in Nigeria who came to the States as an undocumented immigrant, as a late-blooming and recovering perfectionist who began their coming out journey at 27 and on a compassionate exploration of sexuality and ethical nonmonogamy.
This journey has been profoundly painful, yet part of how we endure suffering is to make meaning from our suffering as Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, once said.
“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.”
Viktor Frankl
I ultimately share this as a healing offering to make meaning and sense of my own queer experience — and in turn, help others on their journey.
“When you heal yourself, you heal the world.”
Yung Pueblo
Why does queer allyship matter?
In 2015, Gay Marriage was legalized in the United States. Yet even this landmark legislation hasn’t erased the profound inequities and trauma faced by the LGBTQ2IA+ Americans and millions of queer people across the world.
LGBTQ2IA+ Community is growing in size globally.
The percentage of U.S. adults who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual has increased to a new high of 7.1% in 2022 from 5.6% in 2020 (23+ million)
Roughly 21% of Generation Z Americans who have reached adulthood— those born between 1997 and 2003— identify as LGBTQ+.
Source: Gallup 2021 Poll
Globally, 8% identify as LGBTQ+ (560 million people).
Source: IPSOS LGBT+ Pride 2021 Global Survey
Some 5.1% of adults younger than 30 are trans or nonbinary.
Source: Pew Research 2022
Given the recent overturn of Roe v. Wade, now more than ever, we need to take enduring civic and organizational action to maintain the rights and humanity of our most marginalized communities.
In most of the world, it is still unsafe to be LGBTQ2IA+.
60% of nations lack workplace protections
for LGBTQ2IA+ employees
24% of nations have criminal penalties for hate offenses against LGBTQ2IA+ people
14% of nations legally recognize same-sex marriage
Source: State Sponsored Homophobia Report 2019
Whilst we’ve made enormous strides in queer visibility, protection and rights, we still have a long road ahead of us. As I wrote in a Pride essay, “Please don’t tell me being gay, bisexual or queer isn’t a big deal. Because for me it’s like saying, I don’t see color. And that means you don’t see me.”
We’ve seen with the multi-century fight for racial justice and public outcry for Black Lives Matter in 2020— it’s not enough to change our laws and policies, we also have to change our culture and bodies.
“It requires each of us to begin with our own body. You and your body are important parts of the solution…Your body – all of our bodies – are where changing the status quo must begin.”
Resmaa Menakem
1
Know the difference between Critical Allyship vs. Performative Allyship
It’s important to recognize a distinction between Performative Allyship versus Critical Allyship. (My thinking in this was in part inspired by Zahida Sherman, a brilliant DEI consultant and co-facilitator, queer ally and dear friend.)
Performative Allyship requires minimal thought and effort:
Often very public and Instagrammable with no meaningful change internally
Sets vague commitments and goals, while avoiding accountability (Example: Hire more diverse leaders versus our 10-year intention is to have 50% of leadership come from the BIPOC community)
Seeks a band aid solution to avoid guilt or bad press (Example: one-off personal or company donation to Planned Parenthood following the overturn of Roe v. Wade rather than a committed multi-year donation and volunteer effort)
Preserves self or company image while remaining reactive (versus proactive) to meeting employee and community needs (Example: Waiting for queer employees to ask for an Employee Resource Group and strategic budget).
Is accomplished when the ally feels peace
Relies on others to do the work (Example: Relying on queer BIPOC employees to run ERGs for free, be on the company website and educate their straight white colleagues on intersectional homophobia and racism)
Critical Allyship focuses on sustained acts of solidarity by:
Centering marginalized voices, which requires curiosity and humility (Example: Does not speak on behalf of queer people, understands the embodied benefits of straight cis white privilege in the workplace)
Setting meaningful organizational & personal commitments and goals and courageously encouraging accountability (Example: By 2032, 50% of leadership will be people of color)
Confronting conscious and unconscious language and behaviors of oppression, which requires unlearning (Example: Being mindful of pronouns and gender bias in everyday conversations)
Challenging and reworking systems of power, transfering protections and benefits to the marginalized (Example: Offering 6-month parental leave that can be distributed equitably between multiple co-parents)
Acknowledging this is hard and uncomfortable yet ultimately leads to deeper belonging and safety
"This community has fought and continues to fight a war of acceptance, a war of tolerance and the most relentless bravery. You are the definition of courage, do you know that?"
Lady Gaga
2
Critically self reflect on your sexual power, privilege and history.
Many who are cisgender and heteronormative find it hard to see their privilege. The following statements can help allies become more aware of their privilege and thereby increase their empathy for their LGGTBQ2IA+ colleagues, family and friends.
Power & Privilege Thought Starters
Inspired and Adapted from Queer: A Graphic History
If I watch a movie or TV show, I am certain my gender and sexuality will be represented.
I didn’t grow up surrounded by everyday phrases that attack my gender and sexuality.
I’m never asked to be a spokeperson for straight or cisgender people.
I don’t have to tell anybody about my gender and sexuality; it’s assumed.
I’ve never had to correct someone on the gender of my partner or the person I’m dating.
I’ve never been afraid I’d be physically or verbally attacked for my sexuality or gender expression.
Application to Workplace Projects
If I brainstorm ideas or personas, what is the default gender or sexuality that comes up?
If I meet a new client or employee, what assumptions am I making about their gender and sexuality?
Who do I ask about or to speak on LGBTQ+ topics?
3
Bear to witness to queer stories of oppression and exclusion
The State of Mental Health in the LGBTQ+ Community
59% of LGBTQ adults and 60% of transgender adults are battling poor mental health today.
35% of LGBTQ youth, 45% of transgender youth and 40% of questioning youth have seriously considered attempting suicide, compared to 13% of non-LGBTQ youth.
LGBTQ youth who have at least one accepting adult in their life were 40% less likely to attempt suicide.
Source: Human Rights Campaign: The State of Mental Health in the LGBTQ Community
Bearing witness is one of the most powerful ways you can help people heal. It is a practice of deep listening that sensitively acknowledges the truth of the experiences of the people sharing.
Sometimes all we need is for one person to accept us — for some of us, this can keep us alive.
As queer people, we bear the unfortunate weight of living in a deeply homophobic and transphobic society. Folks in the Alphabet carry the unfair emotional labor and inner work of dealing with daily forms of oppression that takes away our sense of humanity. This may be correcting clients on our pronouns, navigating a parent coming to terms with our sexuality or simply feeling unsafe in straight spaces because of who we are and how we relate and love.
As an ally, it can be as simple (and as profound!) as taking the time to slow down and be present. By being present, mindfully listen and sensitively acknowledging the experiences of oppression of your LGBTQ2IA+ friends, family and colleagues — no matter where they are on their Pride journey — you help create space for them to be.
If you’re a manager, meaningfully holding space for your most marginalized employees in your 1:1s can be much more than checking management boxes; held intentionally and compassionately, 1:1s can become a powerful tool for healing, connection and transformation.
“You are brave. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing.”
4
Avoid microaggressive queer questions and comments
Queer microaggressions are verbal and nonverbal comments and behaviors that may feel like an attempt at connection but can actually cause deep harm.
Example: Microaggressive Relationship Questions
Do you have a boyfriend?
Do you have a girlfriend?
When people at work or cab drivers would ask me, “Do you have a boyfriend” I would freeze, afraid of being “outed” as someone who is “straight passing” (a term I detest as it implies a visual standard for straightness and queerness). In my head I would run through what I should I share, “I don’t have a partner. Or, I don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend; I’m exploring solo non monogamy. Or, I’m focusing on women right now but also date men. Or, I’m grieving the death of my father and I’m not dating right now.”
I appreciate the bold honesty of my queer friend Char’s response, “I’d rather not answer that question; it’s not something I want to share with you.”
Avoid asking colleagues if they have a partner or are dating. If they want to share that information, they will volunteer it.
If they do mention a partner or someone they are dating, avoid making assumptions about the pronouns of their partner (s) — and the number of people or partners they may be dating.
Before you ask a question to your colleagues, ask yourself: Is this question in service of truly building connection and belonging? Will this help this person feel safe and loved?
5
Skillfully challenge homophobic and transphobic microaggressions
Take the emotional weight off of queer people by stepping in to name unconscious microaggressions.
For example, if you notice someone misgender another person, call everyone in the room “guys” or “ladies” or use the term “gay” in a pejorative way, give compassionate and direct feedback to the person who has committed harm.
When sharing the feedback, come from a place of compassion and collaboration, focusing on the behavior and impact versus the person. Take the time to check in with yourself to ensure you’re not just reacting. It can be helpful to ground yourself and reset your nervous system through deep breathing. If you feel too activated, you may need to wait to respond. Embodied practices like yoga, dance and intuitive movement are great ways to cultivate groundedness in your daily life, which can support you in times when you’re triggered. It can also be helpful to process difficult emotions (anger, sadness, rage, grief) with a therapist, friend or colleague before sharing the feedback.
Example
Going into a difficult conversation without blame or judgment is hard but builds the connections that our politically divisive world so desperately needs. Here’s an example.
In 2019, I was in Siargao, a surfing village in the Philippines with a vibrant, open-minded expat community. I was chatting with a mixed race Asian, 30-something-year-old man from Atlanta who triggered me when he said, “I don’t get transgender people. It’s like me deciding tomorrow I want to be a giraffe.” As a queer and gender questioning human, I was fuming inside, thinking, “You bigot. WTF is wrong with you?”
Yet, knowing this retort would be ineffective, I calmly replied back, “What makes you believe that?” This response opened the space for a heated, yet compassionate debate about transgender identity. Whilst I don’t believe I changed his mind that night, I hope I planted a seed for a more open heart.
6
Share Pronouns to Honor Someone’s Humanity and Raise Visibility
Melissa Andrada
(Mel - she/they)
Share your pronouns in your Zoom handle, Instagram profile, email signature and meeting introductions. This is particularly important if you hold a position of leadership within your organization and community. You set the tone for what is included, what is excluded.
“Pronouns, then, aren’t just about the ability to use a word like ‘she.’ They are ultimately about our ability to be. This has never just been about who gets to speak. This has always been about who gets to live.”
ALOK
It is a simple yet powerful way of helping ensure people are honored in their gender and humanity whilst raising awareness around trans rights. Some of my clients have critically pointed out that it can come off as an act of performative allyship if people do not genuinely support the trans community. Yet, I believe the absence of pronouns creates more potential harm, whilst the presence of pronouns raises visibility, which leads to meaningful and enduring change.
This past February I finally had the courage to add, “they” to my pronouns. Whilst I still identify as a woman and hold a femme-presenting body, my internal world is a balance of both feminine and masculine. In some ways, my identification as a woman has largely been defined by my experiences of sexual trauma and oppression in holding this body. Integrating “they” was an act of self harmony and healing.
7
Donate at least 1% of your monthly income to LGBTQ2IA+ organizations.
Donate 1% of your income every month to LGBTQ2IA+ individuals and grassroots organizations focused on the most marginalized communities within the Alphabet, like Trans Women of Color Collective, Oakland Queer Arts Center and Pride Manila. Two other organizations — the Victory Institute (where I did Candidate Training in 2021) and Human Rights Campaign — are also great to donate to as they elevate the next generation of queer political and civic leaders.
In my experience with community fundraising in the States, the average donation is less than $100. Donating is a privilege— and if you have more to give, I encourage you to give generously.
Donating in memory of my beloved late father Tito Pamplona Andrada, one of my biggest queer allies, who once wrote in birthday card on my 35ht birthday:
“You were born to be loved and accepted”
Last year, I donated $3,000 of my speaker fees to City Surf Project in San Francisco, Pride in Manila, and Native American Health Center in Oakland.
This year, combining my passions for surfing and justice, I joined the Board of Directors of City Surf Project in supporting queer BIPOC youth to get out into the ocean, a place that has provided me with holding and healing in the absence of pride and belonging.
A long-term aspiration is to help distribute the financial wealth of my community to support our most marginalized in their journeys of healing and transformation.
8
Mentor and elevate LGBTQ2IA+ employees into positions of leadership
When I was in the beginning stages of my coming out journey in 2014, I felt I had to work harder and be even more high performing than my straight colleagues to compensate for my sexual inferiority. I felt like something was wrong with me.
Executive presence felt impossible because trauma disconnects you from presence. This wasn’t an inner critic; it was an inner oppressor, shouting:
“You’re not good enough.
Being queer is bad.
You should be dead.”
Not every queer person grows up entangled with the trauma of self hatred, but so many of us do and have had to spend a lifetime healing both internalized and externalized homophobia.
Even if you are actually physically safe, it can take years (sometimes decades) for your nervous system to regulate itself.
The renowned trauma expert and author, Bessel Van Kolk, reminds us that trauma looks different for each of us. Even those who are safe and secure in the present may still be carrying trauma from the past that deeply affects their lives.
“The essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable and unbearable. Each patient demands that we suspend our sense of what is normal and accept we are dealing with a dual reality: the reality of a relatively secure and predictable present that lives side by side with a ruinous, ever-present past.”
Dr. Bessel Van Kolk, The Body Keeps Score
If you are in a position of leadership, spend at least one hour a month coaching and mentoring your employees from LGBTQ2IA+ and marginalized backgrounds. Offer continuous feedback and support, recommend them to high-impact projects, raise their profile in performance reviews and all-company and team meetings.
You can read this post on Equitable Coaching to gain even more practical strategies. And here are some phenomenal queer workplace organizations to explore:
9
Stand up against discrimination & demand civic justice
Contact your local representative for LGBTQ2IA+ rights. Support the Equality Act in the USA to prevent discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender. It is legal to discriminate in 29 states!
LGBTQ2IA+ Americans can be denied service by healthcare providers, evicted from their homes and turned away from restaurants just because of who they are.
“Every person deserves a life free from fear & discrimination.”
Love is Love is Love
My humble hope in sharing this offering is to foster more loving and equitable places to work and live, where we can feel safe in our bodies and sexualities.
National Coming Out Day is no longer needed as public holiday because queerness becomes so accepted, so embraced and so embodied, it becomes as intuitive as breathing air.
“Justice is what love looks like in public.”
Cornel West